NARRATOR: The nation's favorite celebrities-- I like surprises.

..paired up with an expert...

I got excited then!

TIM: Ooh!

VO: Whoopsie!

..and a classic car.

BOTH: Here we go!

(CAR BACKFIRES) DAVID: Wowzer!

Their mission?

To scour Britain for antiques.

Am I on safari?

(WHISTLE BLOWS) The aim?

To make the biggest profit at auction.

(GASPS) But it's no easy ride.

Oh, dear!

Who will find a hidden gem?

(NEIGHS) Who will take the biggest risk?

(LAUGHS) Will anybody follow expert advice?

I hate it.

There will be worthy winners... (LAUGHS) ..and valiant losers.

DAVID: Double drat... ROSIE: Oh, no!

Put your pedal to the metal...

Spend, spend, spend.

This is the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip!

VO: Ha-ha, what fun!

VO: Welcome to our poetry special.

Who's SONNET?

An heroic couplet, that's who.

Get it?

Do you think all poets used to travel like this to their engagements?

I'm positive, yeah.

Chauffeur-driven majesty.

Maybe not a car as good as this, though.

On a clear day you can see the chauffeur.

VO: Yes, our latest trippers are David, doing the driving.

Morning, David.

And doing the buying, noted rhyme master John Cooper Clarke and his chum, the stand-up comic and TV personality Phill Jupitus.

PHILL: Are you much of a knickknack man, Clarkey?

JOHN: I am, I acquire them without actually looking for 'em.

So how good I am when I'm actually making a point of looking for 'em... PHILL: Yeah.

JOHN: ..I don't know.

VO: Performance poet John became famous during the heady days of punk, versifying on the same bill as many a seminal band.

But Never Mind The Buzzcocks, what does a bard put on his card?

JOHN: I like packaging.

You know, like jars.

I remember Woolworths used to do their own in-house version of Brylcreem.

It was called Fixo and it was in this gorgeous, frosted glass... Ah!

..art-deco jar.

PHILL: Oh, wow!

JOHN: It's as good as Lalique.

PHILL: Yeah.

VO: Nowadays, Phill is known as an encyclopedic panel-show legend, and award-winning comedian.

But he is also Porky The Poet.

His inspiration - Dr John.

You and me mum are why I'm doing this job.

Get out of here.

Because when I go home and me mum's sat watching this show.

Hello, Mother, by the way.

Say hello to me mum, Clarkey.

Hello, Mrs Jupitus.

She's always like, "Why aren't you on programs like this?"

Ha-ha!

A proper...

Exactly.

..classics.

Rather than all that late-night whimsy on BBC Two.

I know.

So, yeah, I thought it'd be nice to get to grips with something my mother can enjoy.

VO: Quite right, too.

Hello, Mrs Jupitus.

Our pair in the back of the top-class Vanden Plas, manufactured before seat belts were mandatory, will have £400 each and a lot of savvy guidance on tap.

So where we are driving is to meet our antiques experts.

OK, who've we got?

PHILL: I'm... JOHN: Is it a surprise?

I'm not entirely sure, yeah.

One thing I do know - it ain't Anita Manning.

I took the trouble to ask about that.

I like her, don't you?

PHILL: Yeah.

VO: He's even donned an Anita-style bunnet.

But, hopefully, our pair will be equally chuffed with auctioneer James Braxton and dealer Stephanie Connell.

STEPH: How's the car, James?

How's it...?

JAMES: It's a bit scary really.

It looks like a baddies' car in a cop show.

JAMES: It does.

STEPH: It looks like we've just robbed a bank and now we're on the run.

The only problem is nowadays you'd be hard pressed to find a bank to rob, wouldn't you?

VO: Probably already turned into an antique shop.

Anyway, time to point the Pontiac towards Poets' Corner.

Well, wherever you meet poets, they must be called that, mustn't they?

JAMES: It's all part of the service.

Ah!

Morning.

JAMES: Hi.

PHILL: Phill.

Nice to see you.

James.

Very good to meet you.

Thanks, David.

JOHN: Steph.

STEPH: Nice to meet you.

STEPH: How you doing?

JOHN: Hello there, hi.

This is a very stylish arrival.

I love it, yeah.

Hello.

James.

JOHN: James, hi.

JAMES: Good to meet you, John.

Hi.

Phillip I know.

(THEY CHUCKLE) Look what I've got for the rest of the journey.

Look at that.

JOHN: Wow, wow!

JAMES: Look at this beastie, eh?

Kick ass!

JAMES: Right, well, let the competition begin shall we?

JOHN: Oh, right.

I'll see you in the shelves.

In the shelves.

VO: Yes, there'll be barely time enough to compose a haiku before they meet in the very first shop.

Today's extravaganza begins in Panxworth and thoroughly explores both Norfolk and Suffolk, before heading up towards the top corner of East Anglia and an auction at Bourne, Lincolnshire.

Now, who's going to get there first?

My money's on David.

Go, Dave.

I've never been chauffeur driven before.

Well, I'm always chauffeur driven.

But, er, usually whenever I get to where I'm going, I don't want to get out.

STEPH: You like cars that much?

JOHN: I love cars.

There isn't a room in our house that is as comfortable as the car.

You know, it's a completely adjustable world.

VO: Steph's having her own personal recital.

STEPH: John, do you collect any antiques?

I wouldn't say antique.

I accumulate stuff, which I then put on one of my... half a dozen plinths.

If I collect anything, it's plinths.

(SHE CHUCKLES) You've got plinths on plinths?

No, I haven't got plinths on plinths.

That would be ridiculous.

(THEY CHUCKLE) VO: Quite.

But what about our other wordsmith?

Anything devoutly to be wished?

PHILL: I'm not really a numismatist, but I do love a coin.

Someone could have had it in their pocket.

So, I've got a buffalo head cent when I was in America.

So, when I hold it in my hand, I'm like, "This coin could have been at the Battle of Antietam."

VO: Civil War, 1862.

And I've got a two-headed Russian ruble that could have been at the Battle of Borodino.

VO: Napoleonic Wars, 1812.

I give the coins that I pick up a fantasy life of their own.

VO: Norfolk Reclamation.

Ah, here we all are, look, in convoy.

A close thing.

Eyes peeled for pennies and plinths.

JOHN: Thank you, David.

VO: Plenty of elbow room too.

These quoins...

It's what they're called, you know?

STEPH: Yeah.

JOHN: Quoins.

They're a bit heavy.

Perfect bookends, though.

Those books ain't going nowhere.

VO: Not quoins - brackets.

JOHN: Got to be half a ton each.

I'm not even talking about the price.

I'm talking about the weight.

VO: That reminds me.

How are the big fellas?

Gah, look at this.

I mean, this is a piece of work, isn't it?

Good Lord.

Let me have a look down here.

Ruffler & Walker of Battersea.

Knocked this together.

I do love games of chance.

So... JAMES: This... What a magnificent piece.

PHILL: It's a rotary merchandiser.

Is that what it is?

Look, it says at the back there - "rotary merchandiser"!

Put the penny in.

Oh, we're rolling.

The bar pushes what you desire into the hole again, so what we have to do... JAMES: This is very addictive.

PHILL: Let's try again.

I mean it's only a penny.

JAMES: Yes!

PHILL: Oh!

VO: Loves a coin, does Phill.

To me, this is the equivalent of online gambling.

But back in the 1930s.

They were in Lavender Hill obviously, weren't they?

The mob, the mob.

He's always on.

Come on, let's go.

Let's carry on round here.

VO: Enough of pennies - time to spend the pounds.

There's quite a choice, though.

STEPH: Are you overwhelmed?

Yeah, kind of, er...

I do like those four Eames, pre-Eames, "preames" chairs.

"Preames" chairs.

I like those chairs.

STEPH: Sledge?

JOHN: This I like.

You like the sledge?

JOHN: The sledge is good.

STEPH: Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, it's also useful, I mean, it's utilitarian and it's got loads of work left in it yet.

It's nice that, I think it's probably what - '70s, '60s?

JOHN: Rosebud.

STEPH: Yeah, Rosebud.

Rosebud.

VO: As in the favorite toy of Citizen Kane.

STEPH: Do you love it as much as Rosebud, though?

JOHN: Er... yeah.

I think it's fantastic.

That's a real speed vehicle if you've got the right snow conditions.

STEPH: How much is it, John?

It is... £115.

JOHN: Put it in the possibilities.

STEPH: Thinking cap.

Yeah, I like that.

I think if it was about maybe half the price that it is currently... JOHN: OK. STEPH: ..then possibly.

I think at 115 that it is, it's a bit rich.

STEPH: Shall we keep looking?

JOHN: Yeah.

We'll park that and hope it doesn't slide off.

VO: Dr John Cooper Clarke, winter-sports fan.

Whoever knew?

Oh, there's a gong.

There's a gong.

The thing is, it must be very annoying for the people that work here.

That no one can... resist a gong.

Oh, hello.

What's this?

What is that?

It says... "Boulton & Paul Works, Norwich, May 20th, 1940.

"Today saw the completion of the millionth box.

"It took good teamwork and every man on top of his job.

"Well done."

Oh, so this is like a little staff commemoration at the Boulton & Paul Works of the millionth box being made.

They're mostly profiles, as you can see.

JAMES: Yeah, yeah.

This is the sort of thing I like.

JAMES: Do you?

PHILL: Stuff with a story, PHILL: You know.

JAMES: Yeah.

PHILL: I'd love to know if this is original.

JAMES: Let's have a look at it.

I've got a... Oh, have you got your...?

Can you...?

I've got a jeweler's loupe here.

Just take these off.

PHILL: What would you be looking for?

Obviously...

I'm looking for sort of some sort of pixilation.

Yeah.

It's jolly difficult to tell, you know.

It's a lovely bit of commercial, industrial history, isn't it?

Yeah.

But I think if it's a print, it still has value.

Hm.

But I think it's more like, you know, anything over 20 quid and I... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

..I think you're in dangerous waters.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's very reflective of you.

And I think...

It is, yeah, yeah.

..I don't see why we shouldn't have a stab at it.

Yeah, alright, OK, yeah.

Your aim - get it for under 20.

OK. No, it's a print.

I can see now, yeah.

JAMES: A print.

PHILL: It's a print.

That's a shame.

VO: Time to talk to Russell.

Russell?!

JAMES: We finally found something.

PHILL: Yeah, this piece here.

Yeah, a bit of local history there.

Boulton & Paul, Norwich area.

So, how much is this?

DEALER: Got a price in mind?

I would see that as possibly making anywhere between £10 and £30.

PHILL: Give us the bad news.

DEALER: I was at £50.

JAMES: Really?

PHILL: Whoa, Nelly!

Are we going to try and meet somewhere in the middle of that?

JAMES: Find your inner Herod.

PHILL: Yeah.

Right, OK. You're having a laugh!

We'll give you a tenner.

PHILL: Is that what you do?

JAMES: That's lovely!

JAMES: What a natural!

DEALER: Another £10 off, 40.

DEALER: 40.

PHILL: 40?!

DEALER: £40.

PHILL: Do me a favor.

It's not even a... Look, look, the only original thing on there is that pencil signature.

I'll give you 15.

You're having... You're having a Russell.

I don't even know what that means.

He is Russell.

You see, see... You're having a Russell.

I don't know - is this how you do it?

JAMES: And also... PHILL: What do you have to do?

Also, pause.

PHILL: Pause?

JAMES: Don't fill the spaces.

Oh, OK. JAMES: You said 15... DEALER: And I'll go 30.

PHILL: 20.

JAMES: Pause.

Pause.

You know....

I'll give you a fighting chance and we'll do it, then.

PHILL: Mate!

JAMES: Well done.

It's a wise decision, my friend.

Thank you, Russell.

VO: That was fun.

PHILL: What's this?

Oh.

JAMES: Oh, hello.

Look.

PHILL: OK, yeah.

JAMES: There we are.

VO: Now, while those two make for the motor, with one buy under their belts... PHILL: Onwards.

VO: ..it looks like John's spotted something else.

JOHN: Steph?

STEPH: Yeah?

Steph, seen this drinks trolley?

Oh, that's cool.

I like that.

Why struggle?

Why struggle?

Why go out when you can stay in?

Yeah, exactly.

STEPH: I like these kind of drinks trolleys.

They're really fashionable at the minute.

JOHN: Are they?

STEPH: Especially brass ones.

People like them, they drink at home.

JOHN: Is this brass?

STEPH: This is, yeah.

JOHN: Oh great.

STEPH: It lost one of its shelves.

Did it ever have any tires?

STEPH: It's got the groove... JOHN: Oh, it's got tires.

Yeah, I think it's vulcanized rubber, isn't it?

Did you look at the price?

Yes, I think it's 390.

Oh, we need it to be cheaper than that, but I like that.

Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?

I seem to be developing a fondness for vehicles here.

In-house transport.

VO: Yeah, there's Rosebud the sledge, remember.

There's loads up there.

I can't quite see what's up.

JOHN: Oh, that dog.

STEPH: You like the dog?

It is a dog, isn't it?

It's got canine teeth.

And you said you like fairground-y stuff.

Yeah, I love fairground stuff, yeah, yeah, great.

STEPH: Shall we have a look?

JOHN: I also love dogs.

VO: Well do be careful, you two.

STEPH: Oh, these are cool, aren't they?

They're really nice.

JOHN: Yeah, yeah, but that's the one.

The dog.

STEPH: You like the dog?

JOHN: The junkyard dog.

You like the junkyard dog?

JOHN: I love the dog.

STEPH: You think he's better?

JOHN: Rover.

STEPH: Rover!

JOHN: That's what I'd call him.

STEPH: You've named him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Put a name to that face.

(VO GROWLS) STEPH: Hold the bed and not the elephant, then.

Very good.

Thank you very much.

You saved my life there, Steph.

Oh yeah, this one, this is an adorable attack dog.

(SHE CHUCKLES) With a lolling tongue.

I think he'd probably do alright at auction, cuz he's so unusual.

Its mouth goes right round the corner.

He's getting a bit flaky, but that's part of his charm.

They haven't got any prices on, they just say "NR" on the label.

VO: No rabies, no reserve.

Shall we go downstairs and see how much he is?

JOHN: That would be helpful.

STEPH: Yeah?

VO: Quite a list they have now.

JOHN: Be careful.

VO: Dan's the man to speak to.

STEPH: Hello.

We've seen a few things we like.

Principally, the thing we saw that we liked that didn't have a price on was the fairground dog.

DAN: Yeah, I've got a few of them.

They've been kicking about a little while, to be honest, so it'd be good to get them moved out the way.

You can have £100 each.

Oh, do you want to take the dog for £100?

Yeah.

Is it going to go for this?

Well, shall we ask about all the other things?

STEPH: And then we can...?

JOHN: Yeah.

Yeah.

So the other things that we saw that we liked were the sledge that's 115 on the ticket, I think.

DAN: OK. What can you see yourself going to?

STEPH: £50.

DAN: You can have it.

STEPH: OK. JOHN: Wow!

DAN: Alright?

That good?

JOHN: Yeah, that's good.

That's a deal.

And then the final thing we wanted was the drinks trolley that's missing a glass shelf.

Do you want to tell us your best price on that, cuz we haven't got...

Unfortunately, haven't got a massive budget.

£125.

STEPH: For the trolley?

DAN: For the trolley.

Oh, wow, that's good.

So for all three things, that's £275.

That sounds like a pretty good deal, don't you think?

Yeah, a result, yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Want to shake on it?

Yeah, I will, yeah.

VO: He's off to a big spending start.

One century, two centuries.

Do you got change of a tenner, my friend?

Don't worry about it, mate.

What a mensch.

You keep it, alright.

Thank you so very much.

VO: Quite.

Now just £270.

And while David whisks them off to their next shop...

Hang on, don't forget Rover!

..let's catch up with the muscle machine.

What I remember from my childhood, driving around Norfolk, was a very primal memory of always, of, "eh", hitting the horn, before going round the corner.

JAMES: Yes!

My very, very cautious father.

"Eh!"

Then we got pancaked by a tractor.

(HORN BLARES) JOHN: This has got a good... Oh, yeah!

VO: Ha-ha, tractors permitting, they're about to take a wee detour to find out more about a group of painters who were inspired by the uniquely flat countryside around these parts.

A little bird tells me you are an artist.

Oh, well, burgeoning, as it were.

JAMES: Yeah.

PHILL: I'm off to, erm, start studying art soon, so I'm going to go to university and do an art degree.

JAMES: Oh, fabulous!

PHILL: Yeah.

What's your medium?

Is it pen and ink?

Well, I'm looking for my medium, James.

I've dabbled with painting, er, but I was a cartoonist to start with.

Most of the work I do lately has been collage work.

So a life of chatter about to be... Of chit-chat, of chit-chat.

Beautifully truncated, yeah, yeah, yeah.

VO: Phill's foundation year starts here with a visit to Norwich, the capital of East Anglia.

VO: And the castle, which houses the City Museum, where they've come to see the works of John Cotman.

It's, I suppose, like walking into their head, in a way, isn't it?

It is.

Amazing.

VO: Cotman was one of the leading members of the Norwich School.

A group of self-taught, working-class artists, who, in the early 19th century, created a distinctive provincial art movement... ..as curator Dr Giorgia Bottinelli, can explain.

So the thing that I have to ask, now, having seen this extraordinary work, is why isn't Cotman more widely known, you know?

GIORGIA: That's a very good question, because Cotman was born in 1782, here in Norwich.

By the age of 16, he moves to London.

He starts frequenting interesting art circles, and he starts exhibiting at the Royal Academy every single year between 1800 and 1806.

Then he suffers a disappointment, and returns to Norwich, and he then never, ever exhibits at the Royal Academy ever again.

VO: Despite being a contemporary of both Constable and Turner, a snub by the Society of Painters in Watercolours led to Cotman spending the remainder of his career in relative obscurity.

Back home, he earned a living as a drawing master, and soon became president of the Norwich School.

The main characteristic of his art was the fact that it was very dispassionate.

There was nothing romantic about it.

There was nothing picturesque.

There was nothing pretty.

He looked at art, and I think he saw geometry, he saw figures, he saw shapes.

PHILL: Yeah, yeah.

And I think that's part of the reason why his art wasn't that much loved at the time, and it wasn't really until modernism that people looked at his work again and thought, "Wow, this is amazing."

PHILL: Oh, right, yeah.

And that's why, in the early 20th century, his fame skyrocketed, because when he died, there were no obituaries, there was nothing.

Erm, he just died and that was it.

VO: Nowadays, Cotman's work has achieved the fame he so fervently desired.

Especially his watercolors, which have sold in recent years for many thousands of pounds.

And now Phill's education continues, down by the inspirational Norfolk Broads, in the company of local watercolorist Nikki Saunders.

NIKKI: So I'm going to drop in some water here... PHILL: Yeah.

..with the side of the brush, using the whole side of the brush.

PHILL: Yeah, yeah.

NIKKI: We're then going to pick up a nice blue, and we're just going to drop that in.

We're using a wet-in-wet technique here, which was actually perfected and used by the Norwich School of Painters in their work, when they were working outside.

So... JAMES: It's not very delicate, is it?

NIKKI: No.

PHILL: She's sploshing away there.

JAMES: Sploshing.

If I did that when I was a kid, you'd just end up with a generic, single muddy color, but this is layering different intensities of color.

Oh, it's extraordinary.

OK?

It's alright you going, "OK." (SHE GIGGLES) PHILL: It's all very well.

You can do this, Phill.

No fear.

Just go straight for it.

VO: Yeah, never mind the brush strokes, eh?

And there's a... gray, there.

Use the whole side of your brush.

Oh, yeah, the whole-side thing.

Yeah, the whole side thing, OK?

I'm digging this.

JAMES: Oh, that's good.

Well done.

NIKKI: Excellent.

JAMES: I'm getting trees, there.

You're just 200 years too late, Phill.

You are.

This is superb.

You could have been part of the movement.

PHILL: That's weird, man.

That's insane.

JAMES: I think a First is within your grasp.

Stop it now.

NIKKI: As the paint dries, you begin to have more and more control, and it will start to stay in exactly the places where you want it to be.

JAMES: Oh, look at this!

Very brave.

NIKKI: Yeah, it's beautiful.

PHILL: So a slightly drier brush?

NIKKI: Yes.

JAMES: Have courage.

Look at that.

PHILL: There's something about that.

There's something about it.

Maybe some grasses in the foreground would help it... PHILL: OK. NIKKI: ..like what we have here.

I'm going cadmium.

Is that alright?

NIKKI: Yes, cadmium's lovely.

PHILL: Thanks.

VO: Phill's mum will be proud!

So now comes the time in any painting that you have to stand back and assess it, and decide whether or not you've finished your painting.

Palette drop!

Finished my painting!

VO: Lordy.

JAMES: Very dramatic, wasn't it?

It was a little, wasn't it?

(THEY CHUCKLE) They're very highly strung, these artists, aren't they?

VO: Hang on, what about the ducks?

Now, the last time we glimpsed Dr John and his companion, they were busy buying in barns.

Where there's muck, there's brass, so I think we've bought some dirty things so that if we clean them up, we might make some money!

I'm impressed we got up those ladders, to go and find that dog.

It's not often you go up a ladder to retrieve a dog.

No, I watch the program regularly and I've never seen anybody climb up a ladder until now, no.

VO: Well, their next task is much more straightforward.

To seek out an antique or two in the medieval town of Wymondham, where the market cross burnt down in the Great Fire of 1615, but was soon rebuilt for £25 and seven shillings.

STEPH: Here we are.

VO: For them, £130 left to spend.

JOHN: An Aladdin's cave of out-of-date accouterments.

VO: Well put.

Much better than what I was going to say, innit?

Nice clock.

Now, I've found this old... builders' and plumbers' merchant's catalog.

This has got all the different hardware you could have bought, but it's also got loads of really nice... Oh, yeah, yeah.

Mender's, yeah, they used to do printing inks.

Did they?

Yeah, yeah.

Cuz you used to be in printing.

I was a professional compositor back in the day, yes.

I just thought you'd like it, cuz I know you like fonts and printing and hardware.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is...

I also like specialist kind of language.

So I would probably dip into this book quite a lot, if I had it, but... Would you?

Do you want a look?

You know, not everybody's like me.

Oh, look at that garage.

"Golmet Roll Doors."

Would it?

Make any money at auction?

With books, it depends very much on, is it a rare one?

It is cool and interesting, but I think it probably wouldn't make much money.

JOHN: Oh, wow!

STEPH: Aren't they cool?

I love those glass bricks.

The corner block.

In fact, if I found a glass brick in here, I'd buy that.

I'd buy a glass brick.

Take it to the counter - counter intelligence.

"Have you got any of these?"

"Have you got any of these in stock?"

Yeah.

Counter intelligence.

Very good.

I see what you did there, Steph.

Let's ask one of the intelligent counter staff.

VO: Steph's a poet - she just don't know it.

JOHN: Hey, Steph, look at this.

STEPH: What have you found?

JOHN: Girl Guide's pocket knife.

STEPH: Oh, that's sweet.

Don't leave home without it.

Getting stones out of horses' hooves.

I quite like that.

It's very kind of industrial practical.

That's right.

No, that's totally, utterly utilitarian, isn't it?

It is.

I assume it's '50s.

It's got some good age to it.

Why do you like it so much?

Do you like pocket knives?

I do like pocket knives, yeah, but I particularly like this one, because I suspect that the Girl Guides are not issued with knives any more.

STEPH: No!

(THEY CHUCKLE) STEPH: £10.

Yeah, I think that's going to make a couple of quid.

Do you?

VO: Over to Donna in counter intelligence.

STEPH: Good afternoon.

DONNA: Hi.

We found this, er, this artifact here and, er, I think that's a very reasonable price.

You've fallen in love with it a little bit.

I have, I have.

So I'm going to pay you the full, very fair asking price for it.

DONNA: Oh, that's brilliant.

JOHN: £10?

Yep, that's great.

It won't take up any boot space at all.

DONNA: No.

Thank you very much.

JOHN: Thank you very much.

Lovely, thank you.

Thanks ever so much.

VO: And that wee knife is our very last purchase of the day.

Time to let David do what he does so well.

So, tomorrow, what are our tactics gonna be, do you think?

JOHN: Spend, spend, spend.

STEPH: Yeah?

Get rid of it.

There's no point keeping it, is there?

No, it's only going to go down in value.

Antique money.

Who needs it?

(SHE CHUCKLES) VO: Nighty night.

VO: Next day, our balladeers recite a familiar refrain.

I saw an art-deco chair in that place yesterday that they wanted eight long 'uns for.

Wow!

8,000 for an art-deco chair?!

Eight?

No!

PHILL: For a chair!

JOHN: Blimey!

Was it off the Queen Mary or something?

How much do you want to sit down?

How much do you want to sit down!

VO: Well, there's one sure way to stop a poet from overspending.

"Pros" - get it?

JAMES: It's a way to travel, isn't it?

Eh?

STEPH: I shall go and let Dr Clarke out of the car.

And there you are, sir.

Go round.

Morning, Phill.

How are you?

Yeah, I'm good.

How are you?

Yeah, very good.

Yeah.

Ah, the... PHILL: Morning.

STEPH: Good to see you again.

JAMES: The competi-doctor.

JOHN: Hello, Phill.

PHILL: Yes.

Good to see you.

JAMES: Morning, John.

JOHN: Good morning.

JAMES: Shall we reveal all?

JOHN: Please do.

JAMES: This is, er... PHILL: Bing!

We got this.

STEPH: Oh!

JOHN: Oh, blimey.

Don't look a lot, I know, but we've got some gold there.

That is the staff of Boulton & Paul, who made boxes in Norwich in the 1940s.

Right.

..and this is a print of all the lads that worked at the factory, to celebrate the manufacture of their one millionth box.

JOHN: Yeah.

STEPH: Right.

We salute the workforce.

STEPH: We do salute the workforce.

VO: Hear, hear!

Now, which of John's four purchases are concealed in the Princess?

Oh, hello.

Rosebud.

JOHN: Rosebud.

PHILL: Ah!

Winter Olympics.

John, is that a big interest of yours?

Well, I'm a speed maniac, and, er... Let me think about an answer for this.

VO: He's not usually lost for words.

Did you knock them down on it?

STEPH: Yeah, we got it for less than half.

Yours is absolutely vital for probably two days every three years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not going to perish with overuse.

(THEY CHUCKLE) Phill, I think we've got some work to do... Yeah.

..to catch these guys up, right?

I know, yeah, yeah.

We'd better be getting on, then, I think.

VO: Yes, and when it comes to exactly what's ODE - get it?

- Phill does have an awful lot of cash left, having parted with a mere £20... STEPH: Lovely.

Thank you very much, driver.

..whilst John, who was certainly not shopping A-VERSE - get it?

He has £120 left to spend today.

Who writes this stuff?

STEPH: What did you think about what Phill and James had bought?

Yeah, I liked it.

You used to get these caricaturists in pubs that would get you down on the back of a beer mat.

JOHN: You know what I mean?

STEPH: Yeah.

It was very much in that style.

It was good.

VO: Thumbs up.

What about Smokey and the Bandit?

JAMES: Interesting purchase from the opposition.

Well, I mean Steph's complete and utter nonplussed "oh" at my print - is that, like, antiques dealer sledging?

That is sledging.

I mean, this from a woman who let a citizen of Salford buy a sledge in July.

VO: Well, we'll discover just how that turns out when they reach the Fenside auction at Bourne, Lincolnshire.

But the first stop of today's itinerary is in Harleston.

A delightful Georgian market town where Phill has a bit of catching up to do... PHILL: Oh, here we go.

JAMES: Here we go.

VO: ..at the old Corn Exchange.

PHILL: Oi oi.

Morning.

DEALER: Morning.

Morning.

JAMES: A lovely light feel.

Good morning.

DEALER: Thank you.

It's got a very Tardis-y vibe.

Isn't it?

Well, I think we should split up.

You go that way and I'll take the right.

VO: Yeah.

Okey-dokey.

£380 available, remember, although there's plenty here to tempt our pair.

So this is a 1950s sandwich set.

I like practical history, so that idea that in the postwar years, it was a brave new world where we weren't under rationing, and we could go out and have picnics.

And presumably you'd use your Liddell's sandwich set to lay out a lovely picnic, or a tea, at the back of the house, with your napkins here.

These napkins are kind of cool, as well.

The bags don't appear to be there, but it's the napkins and the markers.

I think it's unused.

And it's...

It's only 28 quid.

VO: Can't wait to tell his chum.

Ahoy-hoy there.

Hello.

Put your pottery down.

This is actually the two-millionth box made by.... Boulton & Paul?

Have you noticed my theme?

No, this in here...

Here we go, here we go.

This is the Liddell sandwich set.

That's terribly smart.

Yeah.

So it's got the pins for the sandwiches, to denote what's in them.

Look, look at the sardine there.

I love that, with the key.

Look, with the sardine key.

Hugely over-yolked eggs.

JAMES: Yeah.

PHILL: And the napkins correspond.

Oh, I see, yeah.

This is a wedding present that... Yeah.

..you know, never got unwrapped, is it?

PHILL: I think it might be.

JAMES: Name the cheese.

It's a Jarlsberg - don't be a fool.

So... (THEY CHUCKLE) And I know it's not holey.

Is Jarlsberg holey?

JAMES: I don't know.

VO: Ja, ja.

JAMES: Gruyere.

PHILL: Is it a Gruyere?

JAMES: Edam.

You're watching Spot The Cheese here on the BBC.

If you know which cheese this is, then call our hotline now.

I think it's lovely.

I think it's beautifully displayed.

Yeah.

I love the fact that it's totally intact.

I'm a great lover of the egg sandwich.

I didn't...

I didn't think that was where we'd end up.

JAMES: I would go for it.

PHILL: I was...

When I saw that it was 28, I thought 40, 50.

Before we buy that, can I show you something else as well?

I've found something.

Is it another sandwich recipe?

No, it's food-based, though.

VO: Ha-ha!

Trenchermen, those two.

JAMES: Phill, I found this item here.

PHILL: Yes?

A shop display... PHILL: Wow!

JAMES: ..counter.

Presumably for chocolates.

Er... Do you think?!

Bars of chocolate?

Indeed, I'd imagine so.

Yeah.

Incredibly heavy door.

Oh, that is, isn't it?

I know it's got to be quite heavy because of the bowed-ness of the glass, but it seems unusually heavy to me.

Well, you have to imagine that you're a cheeky-scamp four-year-old.

And you're thinking, "I'm going to go down the sweet shop "and steal a bar of chocolate for my lovely grandmother."

And then your tiny little hands... Oh!

Because you're reaching up as well.

JAMES: Yeah.

PHILL: There's no way that a young, tiny person could lift that.

So it's an adult-weight lid.

I would say this item is pre-Second World War.

So, from 1900 to the '30s.

VO: Ticket price, £250.

I think it's good enough to buy, don't you?

Yeah, it's a beaut!

It's an absolute beaut!

I think if we get my brilliant Olympian sandwich set...

I think when we go to auction, they'll say, "These are men of taste."

They'll say we're men of something.

VO: Indeed!

Let's have a word with proprietor Charlie.

Aha.

Step away from the ledger, sir.

Hello, Phill Jupitus here.

How are you, alright?

Good to see you, Phill.

PHILL: Alright, yeah.

JAMES: James.

DEALER: Hello, James.

JAMES: Good to see you, Charlie.

Well, what a lovely, lovely place you've got here.

Thank you very much.

We've already found a little item here that we shall be taking off your hands.

Perfect.

If I can have a little look.

Want a little peek at that?

See the sandwich set?

DEALER: Oh, yeah.

I like that.

JAMES: Isn't that fun?

DEALER: So I will put that to one side for you.

PHILL: That's our gamble piece.

DEALER: Good, good.

And your curvy, glass-lid chocolate cabinet.

DEALER: £250 on that.

PHILL: Yeah.

Which is a very good price.

PHILL: Yeah.

JAMES: Is it?

For whom?

Well, clearly you'd like to haggle!

Well, I would.

I would indeed.

He's teaching me how to haggle.

In the tradition... Yeah.

OK. What do I do?

I'd just throw something out there - you never know.

DEALER: I could go down to 200.

PHILL: You could go to 200?

And that's knocked 50 quid off, which is quite good.

Yeah.

Charlie, 190?

Do you know what?

I'm not even going to haggle with £5.

DEALER: 190, that'll do.

PHILL: 190!

JAMES: 190.

Thank you.

PHILL: Look at you!

Alright, you're welcome.

If only I'd understood a word of what you said just then... JAMES: Shake the man's hand.

PHILL: ..I could've taken it... DEALER: All the best.

VO: He's learning fast.

Right, so 190 and my doodah there.

So... 28 on that.

PHILL: Yeah.

So that's... DEALER: 118.

VO: Come again, Charlie?

DEALER: 218!

JAMES: 218.

I thought this was just more weird haggling going on there.

VO: 162 to go.

Now, where are those wheels?

JAMES: I think we got... Good work has happened this morning.

PHILL: Yeah.

Yeah.

JAMES: Good work.

And that extra tenner that you got off... JAMES: Could be crucial.

PHILL: Yeah.

(HORN BLARES) You like to announce yourself, don't you?

VO: But as the throaty roar recedes... ..where has our altogether more sophisticated mode of transport got to?

Suffolk, actually.

Looks nice, doesn't it?

Flattish.

Can you dance, John?

Are you a dancing type person?

Over the years I've considered my hours on the dance floor to be golden.

Have you?

Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty good.

My rules of dancing are this.

Keep your feet still and express yourself with the rest of your physique.

OK. That's a good tip.

And what do you know about jig dolls?

Nothing.

VO: Well, fret not, because your questions will be answered in the village of Bedfield where, at the local pub, folk regularly gather to enjoy a very East Anglian form of entertainment - music played on the dulcimer and danced by jig dolls.

STEPH: Adrian, hi.

I'm Steph.

ADRIAN: Hello.

STEPH: Nice to meet you.

ADRIAN: Hi Steph.

JOHN: Adrian.

Hi.

ADRIAN: Hi, John.

VO: Like many a local before him, Adrian continues the jig doll tradition.

These ones have come from the Museum of East Anglian Life, and this one was made by a local chap.

As you can see, they're all different.

They're all handmade.

They've all got jointed arms and legs.

Sometimes other bits move as well.

This one is mine.

When I was given this one, the chap who made it said he tried to impart a bit of the character of the new owner into the likeness of this, but I'm not quite sure where that went.

Where did jig dolls originate, and why?

I think they probably became quite popular because there was this thing about all the chaps going down to the pub.

If you could play an instrument or you could sing, people would buy you a drink.

If you couldn't do anything much else, then if you brought a jig doll and could perform with that, then you basically got a free drink.

So it's an elaborate beer ticket.

It is, that's right.

Would you like to have a go, John... JOHN: Yeah.

ADRIAN: ..with my jig doll?

And put that underneath.

That's it.

So keep him still and just bounce the board.

I get the picture.

Yeah.

That's it.

There we go.

This guy is a regular Fred Astaire.

VO: Like a dancing equivalent of the ventriloquist's dummy.

STEPH: John, you should get a jig doll yourself.

JOHN: Yeah, I'm a dab hand over here.

But you could get one that looked like you, could you?

That's a good idea.

I'm very easy to kind of caricature.

VO: But the accompaniment to this odd local ritual, the dulcimer, has roots which extend even further into antiquity, as Adrian's wife Sue can explain.

We think it originated from Italy, came over with a lot of Italian immigrants in about the 19th century, who came over to work in Norwich, and it just took off and it spread throughout East Anglia, and it's not really in the rest of the country.

Why do you think this instrument has gained such popularity, particularly in East Anglia?

Well, I think they're not difficult to get a nice sound out of.

(STRINGS PLAY) SUE: You have beaters like this.

This is typically East Anglian, made of cane and bent, and then some people put wool on.

They make a different sound, and you just lightly... ..bounce it.

(SHE PLAYS: 'Once I Caught A Fish Alive') Oh!

It's a very simple little tune.

VO: And now time to put dulcimer and jig doll together, in an appropriate setting, of course.

This is a terrific rhythm instrument, isn't it?

Cheaper than a drummer, better than a washboard.

VO: Looks like everyone can cut a rug round here.

There must be something in the water.

Ha!

VO: Digging, jigging and keeping tradition alive.

Bravo!

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the county, there's knickknacks to be nabbed.

The thing is about driving around in this car is I don't know if we're supposed to be buying antiques PHILL: or fighting crime.

VO: Get 'em, Phill!

Top three sandwiches.

Go.

Er, egg sandwich.

Egg, yeah.

I think an avocado and bacon.

Slightly modern, yeah.

Er, ham and mustard.

Look at that!

Right, OK, so, mine...

The tuna melt with finely sliced red onion and er, mango chutney.

Oh!

Fish-finger sandwich.

Cheapest fish fingers you can get, cheapest bread you can get.

Really?

PHILL: Little bit of tomato sauce.

JAMES: Yeah.

And cheddar cheese with sliced beetroot and salad cream on crusty bloomer.

Really?

I've never had that.

PHILL: Yeah.

Yeah.

VO: They must be feeling a bit peckish!

Shopping first, though, just outside the village of Yoxford with £162 in Phill's pocket.

JAMES: Here we are.

PHILL: Still, at least we don't look massive and ungainly getting out the car.

JAMES: No, no, no.

Elegantly done.

PHILL: Oh isn't it, though?

Yeah.

VO: Plenty of room inside, chaps.

Over 70 dealers represented here.

Could be a dilemma.

Alas, poor Yorick.

What do you think of it so far?

"Rubbish."

No, it doesn't work.

We've got a really big, weird Humphrey Bogart.

But what caught my eye on the shelf here, ladies and gentlemen, is this item.

Queen Mum, ferret collector.

It's a lovely image there of an old lady with three ferrets.

It says it's Peggy Davies.

It's a limited edition.

She's rumored to be able to eat nine in a single sitting.

So this is, for her, it's just a snack.

So that's a lovely little item over there.

VO: Peggy Davies was, of course, the designer of that Doulton figurine.

But while they continue to scour Yoxford... PHILL: You carry on.

I'll just do my own thing over here, alright?

VO: ..what a team they make, eh?

Our other top duo - well, trio, counting David - are also getting shoppy with it.

You can get many items for one lot.

That's something I picked up watching the show.

STEPH: Yeah.

Putting a package together.

STEPH: Yeah.

One artifact being in the same park as another.

Yes, say you have the knife and we found some other Guiding things... A compass.

Compass would go... Stopwatch.

STEPH: Yeah, any... A tent.

VO: Well, those happy campers could turn up just about anything in Needham Market.

STEPH: Oh, that looks a good shop.

JOHN: Vinyl.

VO: Yep, all sorts.

Just over 100 left to spend, too.

Which does rule out a few big-ticket items.

It's £1,000.

So we can't afford it.

Do you want to have a game of it, though?

VO: Good idea!

JOHN: Oh!

STEPH: Aw!

Let's try some skill.

Oh!

I scored an own goal!

OG, OG!

I need more of them.

Oh, no!

VO: Oops!

Oh, now we're stuck.

Come on.

Hey!

I'm calling foul!

VO: Oi, no rocking!

STEPH: It's a bit like... JOHN: Go for it.

Come on.

Hit me with your best shot.

(THEY CHUCKLE) Don't say I never do you any favors.

VO: Poetic justice, you might say.

Ha-ha!

How's your stand-up getting on in Yoxford?

JAMES: I'm going to take you on a little trip.

I'm going to take you to the Caucasus now.

And we've got hot colors and it looks very bright.

JAMES: It's a lovely rug.

PHILL: Yeah.

It's got principal colors from the madder root, that red, and then turn it over, because you don't want it to be machined.

Yeah, yeah.

That feels quite nice and tight to me.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's not machined.

So how can you tell that?

Because of your skilled nails?

Skilled nails and, you know, many hours in the souks.

The Caucasus now, you know, between the Black Sea and the Caspian Sea - of course they found oil and, you know, this nomadic, rug-weaving way of life is now disappearing.

PHILL: OK.

I'd not thought of rugs, but I'm not averse to the idea.

Now, we're seeing it on a blue ground, and I think the blue is quite draining.

If I could just take you... Just imagine you're... Wow!

You're the wealthy client, OK?

PHILL: OK. VO: Here we go.

Come with me.

I'm going to take you outside.

Let's see it in that hot sunlight, you know.

Yeah.

Let's try and recreate the Caucasus.

PHILL: Oh!

JAMES: And I... Well, there already...

The colors on the... Whoa!

JAMES: Look at that.

PHILL: That's popping now!

Just popping, isn't it?

PHILL: You know this stuff, my friend.

Look at that.

You see, if you want to introduce color into a minimal home... Yeah.

..get yourself a rug.

Yeah.

Isn't it lovely?

Do they shift at auction, your rugs?

Yeah, they can do.

VO: Not overconfident, is he?

180 on the ticket.

JAMES: You stay here.

PHILL: Yeah, yeah.

Phillip, stay here, because I spied something just to complement the contemporary home.

Oh, yeah?

What style survives all trends?

And it's the blessed art deco.

The deco of decos.

The great deco wood is the burr walnut.

JAMES: Lovely light color.

PHILL: Mm!

JAMES: Pot cupboard.

PHILL: Ooh!

Keep all your essentials in there.

Absolutely.

I'm loving the book nook in the top there.

You could have that next to a favorite chair.

Yeah.

Keep an improving volume in here.

Yeah, yeah.

Coaster and a nice cup of tea on the top there.

Your mobile charging.

No, no, no.

We're taking them back to a time, a halcyon period before the mobile phone.

Don't be spoiling it.

This is probably between 1920s... PHILL: Yeah, yeah.

JAMES: ..1930s.

Yeah.

And I think I could get this cheap.

You reckon, yeah?

I think, if we're going to make some money, it needs to be 25 to 35.

VO: Ticket price, £65.

I'm just going to get Nigel and I'm going to give you lesson two on bartering.

VO: Gird your loins!

JAMES: Phill?

PHILL: Oh!

JAMES: I bring you Nigel.

PHILL: Ha!

Nigel.

NIGEL: Hi, Phill, lovely to see you.

Nice to see you, sir.

JAMES: After much searching... NIGEL: Yeah?

..we have alighted on a rug and a bedside table.

NIGEL: Beautiful rug, James.

JAMES: Beautiful.

NIGEL: Geometric.

80 for that, 25 for that.

You know the Yoxford Antiques discount policy, James.

JAMES: Oh, don't, don't.

NIGEL: You've heard about it.

NIGEL: 10%.

JAMES: It's draconian!

But, Phillip, these are my items, I can do what I like.

I'll do the rug for 90.

JAMES: 90.

PHILL: Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

And I'll do the pot cupboard for 30.

Now, that's very close to what you offered, so I don't think you can complain.

Nigel, it'd be rude.

120 for the two.

Am I allowed to shake him?

I don't know.

I'm waiting for you to do some weird... JAMES: Shaken.

..end-of-the-deal whittling.

JAMES: No.

PHILL: Oh, we've shaken on it.

JAMES: We've shaken.

PHILL: It's happened.

VO: Yes, a very swift conclusion.

All bought up, though.

Now, whither John and Steph in Needham Market?

Found this thing that I think, hopefully, fingers crossed, you will think is cool.

It is a child's toy that is a Bakelite 1930s telephone.

Shall we have a seat so you can have a look at it properly?

So it's got two phones, which I believe may have worked, cuz it says they're real instruments capable of transmitting over a reasonable distance and clarity if rigged up correctly.

JOHN: Oh, wow!

Yeah, I like this.

I used to be the owner of a Dick Tracy two-way wrist radio, and I suspect this is on similar lines.

STEPH: The same technology.

But mine had a buzzer on it.

You could talk to somebody in the next room.

Next room.

It's very art deco... JOHN: Sensational.

STEPH: ..in its look, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

It's a classic... STEPH: Bakelite.

..classic phone.

Get me Scotland Yard!

It's very English, isn't it?

Oh it is, it's, you know, Paul Temple.

Yeah.

"Can you get Ask 412 for me, please, operator?"

The price is £53, so we can afford it.

Yeah.

We might be able to give it a bit of a haggle.

JOHN: Well, I love it.

STEPH: Do you?

Yeah.

I think it's terrific.

Better than a real phone.

It is better.

It's much cooler.

I mean, you can't talk to anybody on it, but that's alright.

That's the beauty of it.

VO: They do have grown-up phones as well, though.

So we've got that one.

And it's glamorous, the ivory phone.

Yeah, that's nice, that.

VO: Especially converted so it can actually be used.

That's a serious piece of kit.

No, it's great that.

That is... You like it?

..a totally deco phone, that, innit?

What's the damage here?

£160.

So it's more than what we have... ..but we could try and do a deal for both.

And if they can't do it, then we could see if you want to take one or the other.

STEPH: Do you want to do that?

JOHN: Yeah.

VO: Yes, but will Pauline?

STEPH: Hello, Pauline.

DEALER: Good afternoon.

We found two things that we like.

What would be the best price for the two phones?

I think we could possibly do about 40 on that one.

Right.

And about 140 on the cream one.

OK.

I'll be honest with you - we've only got £120.

That's all the money we have in the whole wide world.

OK. We can only go to 170... STEPH: For the two?

DEALER: For the two.

What in your heart of hearts is your favorite one?

What do you want to go with, do you think?

Well, this is real cute, but that's beautiful.

So, with that in mind, if we park that one off to one side, and you know our budget now, but what would be the best price on that on its own?

The best... Go to 120 on that one.

You would?

Alright?

You happy?

Could go to 120 on that one, yeah.

You happy with that, John?

I certainly am.

Yes, thank you very much.

Alright, lovely.

VO: So, they've now spent the lot.

Pauline, it was a pleasure doing business with you.

And with you, sir.

DEALER: Thank you.

JOHN: Thank you.

VO: Time to get off to that auction.

STEPH: You been to many auctions before?

I've been to one auction, and it was, er, 40 years ago.

Oh, really?

And I bought a set of kendo armor.

What inspired you to buy a set of kendo armor?

Well, it was exotic, and I was a big fan of the movies of Akira Kurosawa.

Yeah.

I thought, "Sooner or later, "some anthropologist is going to make me an offer for this."

That didn't happen, by the way.

That anthropologist...

Didn't ever call?

..never showed up.

Oh, no.

VO: Oyasuminasai!

VO: Well, this is the place.

I suppose this could be The Bourne Ultimatum.

Gosh, David's changed.

Hello, Davina.

Off to auction, Dr Clarke.

JOHN: Yeah.

PHILL: Yeah.

JOHN: Yeah.

PHILL: Yeah.

JOHN: Showdown.

PHILL: This is it.

I've got to wish you the best, then Doctor, you know.

Well, me too, coming back at you Phill.

I know.

They couldn't have picked two less competitive men with each other on that.

The only thing that you and I are warring over is who's going to be the first to write that poem, Where's Paul Weller's Wellies?

(THEY CHUCKLE) VO: After starting out in Norfolk and heading into Suffolk, our poets and their muses have limoed to Lincolnshire.

At Golding Young & Mawer, to be precise, with internet bidding.

PHILL: Thank you.

STEPH: There you are, sir.

JAMES: Here we are, sir.

JOHN: Hello, James.

There we are.

VO: I hope he wasn't expecting a tip.

Ha!

Phill's splashed £358 of his £400 on five auction lots.

JOHN: Oh, this is fantastic!

Well, that's a heavy, heavy door.

It is heavy.

It's a quality confectioner's display cabinet.

JOHN: That's fabulous.

I wouldn't be surprised if it makes £150, £200.

STEPH: I think it's really nice.

JOHN: You reckon?

STEPH: Yeah.

VO: John, of course, spent everything, all 400, also on five lots.

This is their prize lot, isn't it?

Yeah, I can see the appeal.

You know what?

I always like to think, I could see the fairground being somewhere where John might've ended up, you know?

Yeah.

Because he's got a vagabond spirit.

And it's the most harrowing fairground dog PHILL: I think I've ever seen.

JAMES: I know.

VO: Well, with Lincolnshire auctioneer Colin Young already hammering, the slam starts here.

STEPH: Here we all are, on our Ercol chairs.

JAMES: Excited?

STEPH: Yeah, you?

Yeah, really excited.

JOHN: Yeah, curious.

PHILL: Terrified!

VO: Now, John's very keen on the Symbolist poets, but Phill and James like symbols on their sarnies.

Ha!

Eggs for egg sandwiches.

Ham, salmon, tomatoes.

STEPH: Oh, can't wait!

COLIN: £30, anybody, 30.

£30, anybody, 30.

20 to go, then, surely, £20, it's vintage.

It's retro, it's retro, it's vintage, start me at 10.

£10, anybody?

10 I've got a bid, 10, 12 do I see?

At 10 I'm bid.

12 now, surely.

At 10, we're just a few bids short of a picnic.

12, 15 now.

15 bid.

15 bid.

18 bid.

18 bid.

20 now.

18 I've got a bid.

20 for anybody else now?

At 18 the bid, are we all going to join in now?

£18, back row has it.

At £18, are we all done?

Hammer is up at £18, last call, then.

You've all seen it.

All viewed it.

Sold at £18.

Oh, there weren't many bids for the butties, John.

VO: No, they were very thinly spread!

I've got to find out who's bought it so I can buy it back off 'em.

I want a picnic.

In the 1950s!

And I want someone to go, "Tomato?"

And then the thing be in it.

That'll never happen now.

VO: Telephone for Dr Clarke!

His first lot.

PHILL: I can see that cord being used...

It's Siemens.

..to strangle Tippi Hedren.

(JOHN SNIGGERS) Got to be £50.

50?

30'll do, then.

£30 anybody?

30, start me at 10?

It would be a miserable start.

STEPH: Oh, my God.

10 bid, 12 now.

At 12... 15 bid, 15, 18, 18, 20, at 20 bid, two bid.

Five bid.

Five bid.

Eight now, 28.

It's crawling up.

30, two bid.

Five.

38.

38 bid.

40 now.

38 I'm bid, 40 for anybody else now?

38, the bid is down here.

At 38, 40 online.

40 bid.

42 now... That's good.

We appear to have lost connection, madam - 42?

COLIN: 42 if you wish?

BIDDER: No.

The bid is online there at 40.

Hammer's up, then, we're done, we're finished, the room is out.

Selling at 40... Sold at 40.

Oh, sorry, John, that was a big loss.

Big loss.

How much?

What did you pay?

STEPH: 120.

PHILL: No!

VO: Yes, it is a bit of a gobsmacker.

What are we...?

What's going on?

VO: Phill's biggest gamble is up next - will it pay off?

£200.

200.

PHILL: Made a tenner.

COLIN: £200 bid in the room.

STEPH: That's brilliant.

COLIN: 200.

20 now, surely.

£200 I'm bid, 220, 240, 260, 280, at 280, and three, 320, 320, 340.

40, 360, 360, 380.

At 380.

380 now, do I see?

380, it's a sweet lot... STEPH: Oh!

PHILL: Ha-ha!

JAMES: Ah!

Very good!

Any more now?

Thank you very much.

380, 390, four.

Four.

Got to be worth 400.

£400, it's a great thing.

400 bid.

Any more now?

420 is bid.

What...?

Any more now?

At 420 bid.

420.

Any more now, then?

420 is bid online.

I will offer you 430.

430, it's a wise choice.

440 bid.

That was a definite no, wasn't it?

At 440 bid, 50 for anybody out there?

This is uncharted territory.

That's good.

I don't traditionally make profits.

..sell online, at 400 and... 40 pounds.

440!

Well done, guys, that's amazing.

Well done, Phill.

Nice.

Come on.

Come on, big man.

Good eye, that.

JAMES: Good man.

PHILL: Wow!

VO: Well, Mrs Jupitus, what do you make of that?

That's very good.

My work is done here.

Is it?

Are you nicking off now?

VO: No, don't do that!

Let's see if John can earn his auction badge with this item.

I reckon we're on a winner there.

I reckon we're going to get a Lady Godiva... You reckon?

..on top of that one.

Yeah.

VO: As any girl guide knows, "Lady Godiva" means a fiver.

Who's going to start me and bid me £30?

JAMES: I like the marlinspike.

JOHN & STEPH: Yeah!

£20.

Surely you all remember the guide promise - "I will bid hard."

(LAUGHTER) £10... For getting stones out of horses' hooves.

JAMES: Yeah.

COLIN: 10 for the bid.

12, 12 bid, 15 bid, 15 bid, 18 now.

At £15 is bid.

15, 18 for anybody else now?

At 15, we're on the market, looking for 18?

JOHN: It's a multipurpose tool.

COLIN: At £15, we're all done.

STEPH: Ooh, in profit.

COLIN: Nobody else gonna cut it?

That will be no, then.

Sold at £15.

£5 profit.

There you go.

I told you!

Didn't I say that?

STEPH: Yeah, you did.

VO: He did.

Lady Godiva it is.

Would that have been worn from a lanyard?

The clue is in the title.

It's a pocketknife.

Ah!

VO: Phill's favorite.

The men who made that historic box.

One thing about the print is, you say it's a good likeness but we don't know who any good of the people are, so it might not be.

I can only assume they're excellent likenesses.

Because everyone looked like that in the 1940s.

That's right, and I've noticed a couple of lookalikes in there.

There was a Robert Donat.

Who is going to start me, then, at £50?

50 anybody?

50?

£50.

£50 I'm bid.

55 now do I see?

What, £50?

At £50 bid.

50, five now?

At £50 I'm bid, five for anybody else, then, at £50?

Are we all done?

At five now, do I see?

At 50.

Surely somebody else is going to join in.

At £50, well it's a maiden bid, that is it.

We're all done, we're finished, and that seems to have boxed it off at £50 and we're finished at 50.

Thank you very much.

You're making out like bandits.

You are.

We are bandits.

VO: All strictly above board, John.

We concentrated on the haggling.

Me.

I was with this guy.

This guy.

JOHN: Yeah, yeah.

And he was literally standing there operating me like a big meat puppet.

JOHN: Why didn't YOU do that?

Haggling?

Why did you take so much notice of me?

VO: Oh, the celebrity conundrum!

Another of John's choices next.

They're very on trend, very fashionable, but I don't know if this is the correct audience for that fashionable-ness.

60.

Five.

Who is going to start me, then, at £50?

50 anybody?

£50 for the trolley.

£50 anyone?

50?

Come on, it's got to be 50.

Nice retro look about it.

50?

30 to go, then, surely.

30, anybody, 30?

Give me £20, then.

20.

How much did you pay for it?

STEPH: 120.

PHILL: Oh!

£10.

Surely somebody is going to bid me £10.

Nobody drinks any more - that's the problem.

£10.

£5?

STEPH: Oh, my God.

COLIN: £5.

Yeah, I blame this abstemious society.

COLIN: My instructions are to sell.

£5 bid, five bid.

Six now, do I see?

At £5 bid.

Six for anybody else there at five, anybody else going to join in?

Six.

There's somebody else bidding, well done, sir.

Seven.

Eight anybody?

It's a long climb now.

A pound at a time.

Yeah, it is.

I have £10 I'm bid, 10, 12 now, do I see?

At £10 is bid.

My bid is down here, hammer's up, and I sell at £10... COLIN: That's yours at £10.

JOHN: £10!

I won't even tell you what it cost.

VO: Well, it was dramatic at least.

Come on, kid, you've got to go back in there swinging.

Hey, there's always the junkyard dawg.

Yeah, there's the dawg.

There's the dawg!

Come on kid, you're gonna be fine.

VO: More Phill.

The carpet from the Caucasus.

The very nice triple border with that hot orange down the center.

Who's going to start me, then, at £200 for it?

COLIN: 200.

STEPH: What?

£200 anybody?

200.

No, he hasn't got it yet.

150.

Bid me 100, then.

£100 anybody?

100?

Really, £100?

Bid me 50, then.

50.

It's here to be sold.

50?

Nobody.

Come on, get a rug in your life.

Halve it.

40.

40 is bid, thank you.

That's not half of 50.

Two do I see?

At 40?

42?

42.

The steady climb.

45.

45.

48.

Oh, you're on the run now.

50.

At £50 bid.

Five, surely?

At £50, the hammer's up, I'm going to sell it...

This is going to make you a pile.

Last call, going this time, then, at £50.

JOHN: See what I did?

STEPH: It's threadbare!

Wow!

VO: Cruel, but about sums it up.

Alright, I feel better now, about life.

VO: Yes, nice to see that other experts can also get it wrong, hey?

Time for John's penultimate lot, Rosebud.

Where do they do all the sledging?

Is that St Moritz?

PHILL: Lord's.

STEPH: Lord's!

JAMES: No!

No!

I caught...

I caught that!

PHILL: (CHUCKLES) COLIN: 15, 18... You're most welcome, sir.

Thank you very much, I shall use that later.

Who is going to start me at £30 for it?

30, anybody?

30... £30, anyone?

30.

20 to go, then, surely.

£20 anybody?

20?

JOHN: (GROWLS) COLIN: Start me at 10 to go, then, surely?

£10.

Always very popular in the Fens, sledges.

£10.

£10, anyone?

10.

Bid me five, then.

It's in Ferrari GT racing red livery.

£5.

It'd be great if you... 48 grand in the hole.

They're coming for my clubs!

Five now bid.

Six now do I see?

At £5 I'm bid.

Six bid.

Seven now do I see?

£7, surely?

At £6 bid, seven now do I see?

At £6 I'm bid, any more bids at £6?

We appear to be going downhill, but seven is bid....

But none of these people are sledging anywhere.

Oh!

At £7, are we all done now at £7?

Got a very nice piece of cord on it.

At £7, any more now then, at seven?

Eight, late surge in the bidding.

Eight bid, I'm glad, he just came in the door.

Ah, optimism, you've gone up to eight!

£8 is bid, nine now, do I see?

Nine.

It hasn't got any brakes, and nor should your bidding have.

£9 now.

At £8, the bid is at the back of the room there.

At £8 I'm bid, last call then.

With you, then, sells at £8, and done.

I've done all I can.

£8.

We're going to turn £400 into less than £100, which I think's quite impressive, really.

That's pretty good.

VO: Now, not quite how it's supposed to work out, though.

Am I the worst?

No.

You're not the worst.

VO: But Phill is pretty much home and hosed.

Here's his art-deco cabinet.

Who's going to start me, then?

£50 for it.

50, anybody?

50.

£50 anyone?

50, 40.

£40, 30 to go, then, surely.

Start me at 20 and we'll get on from there.

20.

£20 I'm bid, 20, two, make it at 20, two do I see now?

At two, two, bid of two, five now, five.

28 now, 28 bid.

30 bid.

We're back.

Two now... 30 bid.

Two for anybody else now, STEPH: You're in profit.

COLIN: 32, 35 now?

Made two quid.

At 32, the bid's in the room at £32 I'm bid.

Five I'm looking for now.

32, the bid is in the room, then, you're out on the net this time, then, at 32.

We sell, then, at £32.

STEPH: Oh, £2.

PHILL: Two quid.

STEPH: Two quid.

JAMES: Two quid.

VO: But a profit at least.

If I want furniture or rugs, I'm coming to auction.

VO: Finally, John's pooch.

Never bit anyone.

I wouldn't want to live in a world where a person's heart would not melt at such an artifact.

Who is going to start me, then, at £100?

£100 anybody, 100.

50 to go, then, surely, £50 anybody?

50.

£50.

Bid me 30.

There we go, the one shown with Gary there, 55... What is going on?

Bid me five.

I don't want to go slowly on this.

30, 35 now, 35, 40.

Five, 50, five, 60, five.

70, five, 80, five.

The guy in the khaki shirt.

80, five.

85.

90, five.

JAMES: Yeah.

He's keen.

95.

95.

100.

100 bid.

110.

110.

£100 I'm bid, anybody else?

It's break even.

The guy in the khaki shirt.

100 bid.

105, 110, 15.

STEPH: Come on, dog.

COLIN: 15.

120.

JAMES: 130.

No more.

120 is bid here.

Oh, it's worth more than that.

At 120, are we all done?

In the room, I am going to sell.

125.

130.

Five.

135.

135.

Jump back on.

Don't lose it, don't lose it!

130 is bid, five for everybody else, definitely walked away.

At 130, all done and finished, hammer's up, selling, then.

Sold at £130.

That was the one thing I thought, "We can make some money on the dog."

We made some money on a dog.

All the others WERE actually dogs.

(THEY CHUCKLE) You're going to get letters from the Girl Guides now.

Am I?

You're going to get letters.

VO: What an epic, hey?

Got to be worth a heptameter at least.

Well, who can believe that turn of events?

I feel like I've been in a boxing match.

JOHN: I'm ruined.

I know.

I told you it was going to be a rough-up in here.

I know, yeah, you said.

We leave as champions, Phill.

Come on, let's go.

VO: You're not wrong, James.

John and Steph started out with £400 and, after auction costs, they made a whopping great loss.

So they end up with £166.46.

While Phill and James, who also began with 400, made a very big profit, also after costs, which means their winning total is £520.80.

And all that profit goes to Children In Need.

The auction giveth and the auction taketh away.

JOHN: Hey.

STEPH: Well, congratulations.

Thanks very much, Steph, thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Congratulations.

Dr Clarke, always a pleasure.

Always a pleasure.

Never a chore.

James, the Obi-Wan Kenobi... JAMES: The Master.

PHILL: ..of auctions.

The wood guy.

James.

Nice one.

You got a result there, son.

Yeah, yeah.

JAMES: Yeah!

PHILL: There they are.

They've got a thing going here.

Let's leave, let's leave.

PHILL: Come on, Clarkey.

Come on, get it going.

JOHN: Let's get out of here.

PHILL: Our chauffeur awaits.

VO: Yes, time to go once more a-roving!

PHILL: That's that done, then.

JOHN: Yeah.

PHILL: Venturing into the new demographic.

I think I'm ready for a gardening program now.

JOHN: Yeah, yeah.

PHILL: Something mid-afternoon?

Yeah.

I can see you with Loose Women.

(HE CHUCKLES) VO: Cheerio, chaps.

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