[ Camera shutter clicking ] ARABELLA: Are you getting these, too?
Every day now.
Everyone in the road.
Detective Inspector Mill.
Here about the postcards.
I mean, the postcards are one thing, but the DVD nearly took my letterbox off.
PETUNIA: It's because we're all millionaires.
You wouldn't find a doctor down here before.
Or a banker.
We're seeing some strange patterns in the VIX.
ROGER: Thank you, Mark.
No need to over-elaborate on the terminology.
We all know you're a clever young man.
There's no reason why this bonus might not be closer to £2 million than £1 million.
-If I return, I will be killed.
-GREAVES: You do know you are not legally permitted to work, don't you?
It's me, Iqbal Rashid.
-What are you doing here?
-Looking for you, my brother.
SHAHID: What are you doing?
-MILL: So, who's the artist?
-PETUNIA: My grandson, Graham.
MILL: I wanted to talk to you about these nuisance postcards.
PETUNIA: I gave them to Graham.
He was quite taken with them.
You all right getting up, Mrs. Howe?
If there was anything seriously wrong, I'd know.
Just go and see her for yourself.
CANSEXA: We could, perhaps, treat the tumor -with chemotherapy.
You don't have to decide here and now.
I have decided.
And it's no.
QUENTINA: I just wanted to say that was really beautiful.
Thank you, Quentina.
I am Mashinko.
I look forward to singing with you again.
BOGDAN: I buy new, everything top spec.
Good morning, Pilar.
And we do half cash, half through the books.
Do you want to talk about it with your husband?
Roger's got other things on his mind.
[ Gags ] What use is 30 grand?
What use is 30 grand to anybody?
This isn't how it works.
I-I'll need a proper bonus.
I need the money.
Anything else happen today?
Chip a nail in Pilates?
-Remember your children's names?
-Just piss off, Roger!
-ROGER: [ Chuckles ] -[ Door slams ] -Ah, Mr. Yount?
I spoke to your wife a few days ago -about the unpleasant postcards.
-[ Beeping ] Yes, uh...
Parked up late last night.
Very sorry and all that, but I'm sure you're in a position to show some leniency.
I'm sorry, but I've already shown discretion to your nanny and your good lady wife.
And I've already started the process.
The permit's in the window now, isn't it?
So, uh, we always had permission.
We just didn't display the permit.
Permission is granted by the displaying of the permit.
No, no, no.
Our residency grants us permission!
We live here!
If you're looking for the sender of those postcards, how about someone who comes here every morning with a grudge?
How about the likes of her?
That's not really how the investigation works, sir.
That would be too logical altogether, wouldn't it?
[ Congregation singing indistinctly ] ♪ Visions of rapture now burst on my sight ♪ ♪ Angels descending bring from above ♪ ♪ Echoes of mercy, whispers of love ♪ ♪ This is my story, this is my song ♪ ♪ Praising my Savior all the day long ♪ ♪ This is my story, this is my song ♪ I walk like this 10 miles a day, and I never lose one ounce.
You don't need to lose a single ounce.
It's all about the bass.
[ Both laugh ] Okay, but if you want to get an aerobic effect -- and I'm not saying you need to -for one moment... -Mm-hmm.
...you have to move faster to burn fat.
[ Both laugh ] -Like that.
-Like the Olympics?
Did I say that?
Good night, Mashinko.
I would invite you in, but it's not a nice place.
[ Laughs ] [ Indistinct talking ] Ms. Kwama Lyons?
What do you want?
Well, why don't we start with you telling me your real name?
JOSHUA: [ Babbling ] Where's Mummy?
[ Babbles ] Mummy gone.
What do you mean, "Mummy gone"?
[ Crying ] Joshy, Joshy.
[ Crying continues ] Conrad.
What do you mean?
It's Christmas Eve.
She left our presents under the tree.
-Can we open them now?
Let's get you on the potty.
She phoned you.
I heard her.
ARABELLA: Hello, Roger.
I' ve gone away for a few days.
It will give you a glimpse of what it's like to be me, -you spoilt, lazy, utter cock!
-Turn that off, Conrad.
You have no idea what it's like to look after children, -and you have no idea at all... -Turn that off, Conrad!
...what the last couple of years have been like.
-Joshy, come back!
-You stupid, selfish sod.
For God's sake!
Welcome to my world.
I just want you to turn these things off when I ask you.
Is that clear?
-JOSHUA: [ Crying ] -ROGER: Joshy, come on.
-There we go, there we go.
JOSHUA: [ Crying ] ARABELLA: Hello, Roger...
Let's get you on the potty.
-It will give you a glimpse... -No!
Oh, for God's sake.
Turn that off!
-ROGER: Joshy... -[ Thunk! ]
You have no idea what it's like to look after children, and you have no idea at all... -[ Doorbell rings ] -There's Mummy!
-[ Sobbing ] Dada!
-You stupid, selfish sod.
-Ah, you've got to be kidding.
-Welcome to my world.
Where do you want the sofa?
Uh, I-I don't.
Take it back.
Well, I can't do that.
The depot's in Cricklewood.
[ Clanging ] Hello, Mum.
What do you want?
[ Sighs ] CONRAD: I'm hungry, Daddy.
I don't like eggs like this.
I don't like eggs like this.
I like them eggy.
This is nice.
It's a miracle anything's warm, given the state of your cooker.
[ Silverware clatters ] There's a knack with the switch.
These, um, postcards that you've been getting, and... you don't look well, Mum.
And don't you think now might be the right time to sell up?
Get a little flat close to us?
Not a home.
Somewhere where you'd still have your independence.
With, um, a warden, perhaps, and one of those emergency, um, whatsits around your neck.
God knows you could afford it.
What are these going for nowadays?
£2 million, if you tarted it up a bit.
-I don't want to move now.
-I know it's hard, Mum.
I know you've been here all your life, practically.
-It's too late now.
-No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
It's too late.
There's something wrong, isn't there?
PETUNIA: [ Breathes deeply ] CONRAD: Witches' knickers!
ROGER: I beg your pardon.
CONRAD: Pilar told me.
ROGER: [ Chuckles ] So they are.
CONRAD: Witches' knickers!
ROGER: [ Chuckles ] Here we are.
Off we go.
-[ Sighs ] -[ Screams playfully ] ROGER: [ Sighs ] Simple pleasures.
ROGER: Do you live locally?
I'm here to meet a friend.
She works locally.
My girlfriend, I think.
I didn't mean to be nosy.
Why do you say sorry so much in England?
MASHINKO: [ Chuckles ] What do you have to be afraid of?
You are safe.
You are healthy.
You are rich.
I wouldn't go that far.
Not by London standards.
Yeah, but by Zimbabwe's standards, perhaps.
Yes, of course.
I didn't mean to say "sorry."
ROGER: And, uh, how do you find London?
-MASHINKO: Oh, I hate it.
-[ Laughs ] Really?
I hate the weather.
I hate the central heating.
I hate the unfriendly people.
I hate the roads that...go nowhere.
Well, I can't argue with any of that.
But I have met a wonderful lady here.
Merry Christmas, Roger.
ROGER: Oh, yes.
-[ Chuckles ] ♪ Hark!
The herald angels sing ♪ ♪ Glory to the newborn King ♪ ♪ Peace on earth and mercy mild ♪ ♪ God and sinners reconciled ♪ ♪ Joyful, all ye nations rise ♪ ♪ Join the triumph of the skies ♪ [ Man speaking indistinctly ] ♪ With angelic hosts proclaim ♪ -♪ Christ is born... ♪ -Yes.
♪ ...in Bethlehem ♪ ♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪ ♪ Glory to the newborn King ♪ ♪ Christ by highest heaven adored ♪ ♪ Christ the everlasting Lord ♪ -♪ Late in time... ♪ -[ Woman giggles ] -♪ ...behold Him come ♪ -BOGDAN: [ Speaks indistinctly ] ♪ Offspring of the Virgin's womb ♪ ♪ Veiled in flesh, -the Godhead see ♪ -[ Door closes, locks ] ♪ Hail the incarnate deity ♪ ♪ Pleased as man with us to dwell ♪ ♪ Jesus, our Emmanuel ♪ ♪ Hark!
The herald angels sing ♪ ♪ Glory to the newborn King ♪ [ Door opens ] Daddy!
I want to paint the road!
It's Christmas, and I want to paint the road, too.
What time is it?
-I want to paint the road.
What are you talking about, Conrad?
CONRAD: Paint the road.
[ Children chattering ] JOSHUA: [ Babbles ] Mr. Yount?
The agency nanny.
[ Door buzzes ] [ Beeping ] MAN: Put your hands up, please.
-[ Scanner beeps ] -WOMAN: Shoes off.
Turn around, please.
And the other.
[ Door closes ] ARABELLA: Goodness knows what fresh Alaska awaits.
I'm just hoping my absence might have made the penny drop, but I'm not holding my breath.
Uh, I am going to have to go, darling.
There appears to have been some kind of nuclear war.
[ Dance music playing loudly ] [ Doorbell ringing ] [ Music continues ] ♪ Everybody ♪ ♪ Everybody groove now ♪ ♪ Every, every... ♪ [ Music continues ] Roger!
-♪ Everybody groove now ♪ -[ Volume increases ] Roger!
Daddy said bad words.
Joshy did a poo.
And Father Christmas brought me an Emperor Zurg.
[ Chuckles ] Hello.
Can I help you with your bag?
CONRAD: Did you bring presents, Mummy?
[ Chuckles ] An agency?
On Christmas Day?
Oh, you must have been keen.
I had just finished my last job.
I have references.
I'm sure you do.
Conrad, Mummy might like one of the cakes we made.
Ooh, they look lovely, darling.
Maybe later though, yes?
I'm just going to go upstairs and see my grown-up child.
-[ Music continues ] -[ Bag thudding ] ♪ Again and again and again and again and again and again ♪ [ Indistinct singing ] -Oh, hi.
-[ Music shuts off ] Didn't hear you over the 1990s.
-Yes, thank you.
ROGER: You've met Matya?
I've just hired her.
She's, uh, my very own Christmas miracle.
Well, haven't you been enterprising?
ROGER: I hope you weren't too worried about the boys.
Mind you, they're very resilient, aren't they, children?
Now... Where to begin?
Roger, I-I really can't be having...
I think we are looking at a period of fiscal rectitude.
Sounds like some sort of internal examination.
[ Chuckles ] Roger, you and I both know your bonus -is about to come bouncing home.
-ROGER: Ah, my bonus.
Yes, now, my bonus.
Do you know how much my bonus is this year?
It's not £2 million.
It's not £1 million.
You expect me to believe that, Roger?
-[ Cellphone ringing ] -Just grow up.
How lovely to hear from you.
-[ Music resumes ] -No, no skiing for us this year.
Just a little cottage in Minchinhampton.
Hardly a holiday!
[ Indistinct singing ] -See you, mate.
-[ Baby crying ] -Say "hello" to Dadi.
MRS. KAMAL: Why are you crying, little baby?
Babies do need their sleep, Rohinka.
Shahid, are you there?
I've met a dentist with three daughters.
All of them dentists.
I've got a dentist.
Thank you, Ammi.
Nice Jewish chap in Golders Green.
We'll talk some more wh en I come to visit next week.
[ Silverware clatters ] What?
Mum, it's, uh, cold this time of year.
Why don't you try spring, hey?
I think you need me to come and speak to the police about those abusive postcards you told me about, Ahmed.
[ Speaking Urdu ] Or will you be leaving me waiting at Heathrow at the mercy of muggers and Africans?
9:00 p.m. Terminal 5.
Make sure you find out from the travel agent.
[ Beep ] [ Footsteps ] What?
SHAHID: What did you tell her about the postcards for?
-I was making conversation.
What, do you think I like having her over, criticizing my business, my weight, the way I bring up my kids and my conduct as a Muslim?
She might have a point there.
It's all right for you.
You're under her radar.
The moment I'm married off to some embarrassed girl, you'll be next in line.
Are you going to denounce arranged marriage?
Not for you, perhaps.
Only chance you've got with those looks.
[ Laughs ] Hello.
MILL: We're going to get the Internet material taken down, and we are well on our way to tracing the owners of the blog.
But that's not the same thing as finding out who the person or persons responsible are.
A-And that's where you come in.
Eyes and ears.
The vandalism in the street.
I want you all to be vigilant.
We need you to be vigilant.
Any strange behavior.
The gentleman there with the blue jumper.
When you came into our shop, you mentioned harassment as one of the likely charges.
That's just something that happens in their head, though, right?
Like, if I feel harassed by you, that counts as harassment?
Well, perhaps now isn't the best time for a discussion on the etymology of the term "harassment."
[ Light laughter ] The majority of the people in this room are here because they feel upset or distressed by these things that have happened.
It isn't fair to call it something "in their heads."
Will there be compensation of some kind?
It's not really my area, I'm afraid.
ARABELLA: But are you aware if it has had an effect on the local housing market?
MILL: [ Sighs ] The purpose of this meeting -- That traffic warden.
The African lady.
She had nothing to do with it, then?
MILL: Uh, no.
The campaign had nothing to do with her, as it turns out.
So, why'd you arrest her?
I-I think we may be straying away from the subject here.
I promise you she had nothing to do with the postcards.
If she was committing criminal acts in our road, -then surely she must -- -She was working illegally... -[ Murmuring ] -...in contravention of her refugee status.
Does that count as a result for you?
Like, it's the League Cup, but it's still a trophy?
[ Light chuckling ] There was footage of my children outside our house posted on that website.
And that's not something anybody wants to happen, but... but if it's any comfort, it doesn't seem like your children were targeted.
It looks like a coincidence that they wandered into the film while the person or persons unknown were making it.
Oh, I see.
Well, since by your own admission, you literally don't have a clue, then I fail to see how your explanation is even remotely reassuring.
[ Applause ] You didn't have to say anything.
"Harassment is in the mind."
What's that even supposed to mean?
I was deconstructing his imperialist mode of discourse.
I think that landed.
Look, look, you were wasting police time.
I just want them to stop some idiot sending cards and DVDs in the post.
I don't need you wasting their time.
Did you notice how he called me "gentleman in the blue jumper," to avoid saying "Asian"?
[ Chuckles ] MARY: It was a waste of time, really.
Were the Kamal family there?
[ Water running ] Very nice family.
Run the shop.
MARY: I didn't recognize anybody at all.
Not a single soul.
Don't you think that's amazing?
I would have recognized people.
I'm not saying you wouldn't have, Mum.
PETUNIA: The Kamal family, for a start.
-[ Kettle whistling ] -So you keep saying.
When you think about it, this is your house, -but is it... -[ Whistling stops ] ...is it your...home anymore?
I mean, it's bricks and mortar when it comes down to it, isn't it?
This is where I want to die.
Who's talking about that?
Isn't that where all this is leading?
Let's not tip-toe 'round the tulips.
I want to die here, where I've lived all my life.
And I'm sorry if that's inconvenient.
Am I talking about that, Mum?
No, I'm not.
I'm thinking about where you'd be most comfortable.
I can move your bed downstairs to my dining room.
I've got a downstairs toilet, so... Well, bully for you.
That wasn't kind.
For all you're doing.
[ Sighs ] You've never been an easy girl to thank.
Like your dad.
Well, let's not go there now, hey?
[ Water running ] [ Indistinct shouting in distance ] [ Pounding ] [ Alarm blaring ] [ Indistinct talking on TV ] [ Bag thuds ] [ Chuckles ] [ Snickers ] Oh, Piotr, Piotr.
[ Laughs ] [ Door closes ] GRAHAM: Mum... -[ Door closes ] -What?
Stop stressing about her.
I'll come and see Gran.
I'll give you a night off.
[ Exhales sharply ] Mum, of course I can look after her.
I've worked in a hospital for two years.
You make some arrangements.
I-I don't know where.
See you later.
[ Breathes deeply ] Families, eh?
Fuck 'em, hey?
What did you say?
Just a trick of biology.
Y-You're -- You're saying fuck my family?
Is that what you're saying?
You're disrespecting my family?
This is my Gran we're talking about.
"Saying I'm funny.
How I'm a clown.
I amuse you."
That's what you're doing, isn't it?
That's you all over, isn't it?
Everything always reminds you of something else.
You wouldn't know real anger if it come and bit your bollocks off.
I don't get it.
Are you ang-- You angry now?
That was me being angry.
It's a real emotion.
Sound familiar at all?
You just don't feel anything, do you?
And until you do, you will always be my assistant, secretly thinking that it should be you in the big chair and me running around with the coffees.
I can get angry.
-[ Scoffs ] -[ Cup thuds ] -My coffee's cold.
-Get it yourself.
[ Scoffs ] I think now you're mistaking anger with petulance.
Just go and get me a coffee.
[ Door opens, slams ] MRS. KAMAL: [ Speaking Urdu ] Don't trouble me, huh?
I hope you have my flight number.
Will I bring my own bedding this time, or have you replaced those terrible sheets?
We have bought new fitted sheets and a new duvet.
-Nice and warm.
-Not too warm, I hope.
-Oh, you're breaking up.
-[ Beep ] -I saw that.
-Don't judge me, Shahid.
[ Chuckles ] I would never judge you, Rohinka.
Well, if you do, I might just point out that your flat's bigger and she could stay at yours.
Yeah, well, I can't see her sharing a sofa with Iqbal, -can you?
But it might be good to watch.
This is brilliant.
Where will I go?
Well, there must be someone at the mosque with a spare room going who doesn't know what you're like.
[ Chuckles softly ] That was a joke, by the way.
It can't be helped.
Why would your mum stay here and not with your brother and the kids?
W-- Because, Iqbal, she wants to work on me.
Marriage and all that.
I think she's got somebody in mind.
A dentist from Karachi.
[ Scoffs ] It isn't fair.
She has two sisters, also dentists, if you're interested.
-That isn't what I mean.
-I know, Iqbal.
But, if you knew Mamji, she's like a drone, mate.
And you're what the American infidels will call "collateral damage."
Just these two.
[ Gasps ] Ohh...
Thank you for keeping the evidence.
I'll be in touch.
It's an escalation, isn't it?
It's more serious than before.
It's terrorism almost.
Well, I'm not sure I'd call getting a dead animal shoved through your door "terrorism" exactly, but...
I can't help thinking we're the wrong kind of victim.
Can you please start taking this problem more seriously?
I can only keep saying we're doing everything we can.
-Which we are.
-Hello, um... -D.I.
Well, I'll leave you to it.
-[ Door closes ] -What did he want?
We've had a corpse delivered in the post.
An animal of some kind.
Well, uh...why don't you tell me about it on the way?
We do need to get a move on.
You can't seriously think I'm still coming?
PETUNIA: [ Coughing ] [ Groans ] Oh, Graham.
I didn't mean to disturb you.
Your mother said you'd be here.
Mum's gone out.
She's on a large one.
Doesn't sound much like your mum.
[ Chuckles softly ] Are you all right?
Stupid question, really.
[ Chuckles softly ] Just tired.
[ Sighs ] What you listening to on your -- your whatsit, your hearing aids?
You wouldn't have heard of it, Gran.
I wouldn't be so sure about that.
The builders have their radios on full blast all day.
You'll be picking up a fair bit of Polish swear words, -as well, then.
-[ Chuckles ] [ Coughing ] You all right, Gran?
Do you want some water?
All I want is to know you'll be all right.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I am.
Why should I believe that?
How do I know you're not just saying that to keep a dying old lady happy?
I'll tell you why.
But don't you go telling anybody else.
[ Chuckles softly ] I like that.
You know what?
I think it's a terrible idea.
She'll be bored out of her mind.
ARABELLA: It'll be a nice change for her.
I've been to those things a thousand times before.
I find them so vulgar.
Matya, on the other hand, is from Hungary.
The nearest she's probably come to genuine luxury is the EasyJet departure lounge.
She'll be out of her depth.
With your colleagues?
[ Chuckling ] Don't be stupid.
She won't have to talk much, just sit there looking pretty and pretending to listen while they go wanking on about shooting and the Congestion Charge.
They'll think she's an escort.
They'll admire your chutzpah.
If they interrogate you further, say I'm staying away as a protest against your tiny bonus.
They should be having a charity auction for us, quite frankly.
You look so much better in it than I do.
That, Roger, is your cue to say something flattering to me.
[ Chuckles softly ] [ Cheers and applause ] MAN: The next lot is a day's fly fishing in Wiltshire.
Complete with cream tea.
And who will give me £500?
-Is all this just for fishing?
-From a river?
It gets a whole lot more expensive.
-And it's all for charity.
-[ Applause ] -Well, they are very generous.
Just very competitive and ostentatious.
They haven't got a charitable bone in their body.
You talk as though you hate it.
-[ Gavel bangs ] -Gone.
[ Applause ] Rog.
You're a dark horse.
[ Cackles ] How much did you pay for her?
I'm going to have to change my escort agency.
[ Laughs ] If you must know, Arabella's ill. She's our children's nanny.
So, have you, uh... Have you bid yet?
[ Chuckles ] I don't think so.
Would you like to?
-I don't have that money.
The next lot is a signed Roger Federer shirt, 2012.
-MAN: Who will start me... -MATYA: No.
-Just to see what it feels like.
You should see the look -on your face.
Somebody start me at £800.
Go... -MAN: £800.
-[ Chuckles ] -That's it.
That's £800 to the lady in the green dress.
Now, who will give me £900?
-ROGER: Go on.
Come on, one more, and we'll get it.
-Go on, go on.
-[ Chuckling ] -Go on, go on, go on.
[ Chuckles ] MAN: £1,800.
Gone to the lady in the green dress.
[ Applause ] Thank you.
Oh, my... -[ Speaking indistinctly ] -Oh, my God.
[ Mid-tempo music playing ] [ Door slams ] [ Door opens, closes ] Not much of a night?
Back this early.
By your standards, perhaps.
God knows how you get up for work in the morning.
You don't need to worry about me.
'Cause I haven't got any worry left.
Thanks for looking after her for tonight.
It was nice to see her.
-We had a nice chat, you know.
-No, I don't know.
She only ever talks to me if she wants to go to the toilet.
It was mainly me, all right?
Don't patronize me.
And stop talking in that accent.
You weren't brought up to talk like that.
How would you know?
You weren't even there.
MARY: Well, your Gran wouldn't like it.
How about that?
Does that count?
GRAHAM: It's not a competition.
"Palliative care in the community," they call it.
-What we're doing now.
Arguing while Mum dies.
They give it a title so that it sounds like they're doing something.
But they're not.
They gave it a title.
That is them doing something.
Can't you just agree with me that it's tough?
What is it all for?
In the end?
Look at this place.
A lifetime of clutter.
Is that all there is?
There's nothing wrong with this place.
Oh, for God's sake!
I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with it!
[ Door slams ] 20 Silk Cut, please.
-[ Coins clink ] -Of course.
How is your mother?
How is Mrs. Howe?
Um, she's, um... Oh, um, do you do decorating?
From time to time.
I know that you're a builder.
I'm from number 84.
Do you do painting, papering, refurbishment, that kind of thing?
When do you want to start doing?
MARY: Well, the sooner the better.
As soon as possible.
ROGER: Well, now I feel like I've corrupted you.
MATYA: [ Chuckling ] Why are you saying that?
ROGER: Well, because I encouraged you to bid £2,000 for a sweaty T-shirt.
MATYA: A sweaty T-shirt worn by Roger Federer at Wimbledon.
There is a difference.
[ Both chuckle ] I think I'll have to put it by my bed so I can see it before I go to sleep.
Well, of course.
Uh, don't -- don't do that.
Still your night out.
Don't do that now.
It's odd, but I've always had a lot of time for Roger Federer.
Not least because he's the only cool Roger in the world.
Apart from Roger Moore, that is.
I'm sure he's very much before your time.
Well... at least now you'll be able to tell your friends in Hungary it's true.
[ Wine pouring ] The English do have more money than sense.
Why are you always apologizing for what you've got?
Because I'm not sure how I got it.
Because you are clever and you worked hard.
There's no shame in that.
When I first came into banking, it was all about relationships.
And now it's...
It's all about maths.
Le-- Let's just say I'm better at the relationships bit.
I left everybody I loved behind in Hungary... ...just to come here and earn money.
I think I am just the same as you and Arabella.
[ Chuckles softly ] Right?
I-I don't think so.
Well, you're wrong.
[ Chuckles softly ] Time for bed, I think.
Good night, Mr... -Roger.
-[ Chuckles ] Oh, and thank you for a lovely evening.
[ Chuckles ] Oops.
ROGER: Good night, Matya.
[ Elevator bell dings ] [ Keyboard clacking ]